As of Friday, december, 2017, I'm going to quit dolling for the time being. I'm glad to have come back, and it was fun while it lasted, but it's been quite stressful. And with Net Neutrality being repealed, I may not have a choice but to give Doll Divine up. The thought that so many other people are in the same position as me and can't afford paying more for internet enrages me.
I know I said I was back for good, and I feel awful for leaving so abrutly,but at the time, I didn't think the internet as we know it was going to end. I hope you guys understand and know that it kills me to have to quit (again.)
I love Doll Divine, you guys are like my internet family. You've always been so kind, accepting, and open. I wont't lie, I made alot of mistakes regarding Doll Divine, some of which are unforgivable, I know that, and they haunt me to this day. And somehow, you guys found it in your hearts to forgive me, even when I can't forgive myself. And it makes me cry, but they are good tears, because I got to be apart of the amazing group of people. I got to know you guys and share things with you, stuff I was never able to share with anyone else. I told you my troubles, or lamented the loss of a doll, and through all my unacceptable drama, Doll Divine was there. You guys were my rock during a really rough patch in my life. 2013-2015 was one of the worst patches in my life, and Doll Divine was there for me to let off steam and make something out of my emotions. But 2013-2015 was also the years I made awful mistakes that affected how I viewed how I saw myself as a person, both in my online presence and in real life. It became that I only thought of myself as this awful person who didn't deserve to know you guys. It got so bad I could only think of Doll Divine as this: I had made mistakes, that was it, you guys hated me, and I had lost the best online friendships I had ever had. It was a really unhealthy and stupid way of thinking, I know, but I've always been awful at learning to accept that humans make mistakes, and at the end of the day, I'm human. I wanted to learn from my mistake and better myself as a person, but doing that starts with forgiving yourself, and I couldn't do it. It wrecked me emotionally.
It took me a long time to get out of the negative place in my life and come to terms that I had to let go of the past and continue making the art I loved. And I do love the art, I love looking at all the new dollies DD has to offer. Even after my image of myself became to negative to deal with, I still continue to follow certain dollers. It was the highlight of my day, no matter how bad that day was. I wanted you guys to know that you guys played a very positive, very important role in my life, and I'm forever grateful. You honestly helped me hang on.
I want to continue making dolls , I really do, that's why I said I was back for good, but I just don't have the time, the confidence, or the energy. It really upsets me, and I've debated this for the past two weeks about every option. I was so excited to announce my return, but I don't think I thought it through. I don't think I gave myself enough time to ease back into it, or decide if I needed to continue to rebuild my confidence in myself. I need more time apparently, because I was fine at first, but I've started to lay awake at night thinking about everything wrong with my dolls, and how they're probably just cheap copy's of better dolls. I know It's a really unhealthy way to think and it's rooted in my low self esteem. It's not Doll Divine, or any Doll Diviners fault, I wanted to clarify that. That's all on me, and I'm going to work hard on fixing my veiw of myself.
I've decided to back away from DD for the time being and continue to rebuild my self-image. Honestly, I probably will be back with a new doll at some point, because this site is a really important place for me. I love the site, I love the people, and I love Ola, who's like the nicest person ever!
I hope you guys understand that I love you, but I'm making this deision for my mental health and happiness. I'm so sorry to quit again, for probabaly the 5th time, but this time I'm quitting because its the right choice for my health. I'll be honest, the other times I tried quitting, it was rooted in real life, either I didn't have the time or emotional energy, or it was my ex and how he viewed the site affecting my decisions (that never lasted more than a day, I just couldn't stay away, no matter what he said, I just love this place too much, lol). But this time, I'm doing it for me. This is a decision for my well-being.
I tried to be as honest and open about my decision, because I feel like I owe you guys something, at least. I hope this doesn't sound overly dramatic, and that you understand why I'm doing what I'm doing.
XOXO, Alihaddok <3